Wednesday, February 11, 2009

My Productive Day (plus a little education - just to make it interesting)

My day has been totally unproductive. I mean, I did go to work - but that just meant reading a book and a half while observing high school kids typing on Mavis Beacon and Typershark. Because being a high school sub is really hard like that.

Then I came home... to find my babysitter had cleaned my house (including de-junking and dusting my kitchen catch-all), so other than teach a few piano lessons, I had nothing to do.

So I read another book. Shopaholic Takes Manhattan. Those books are hilarious. (The first book I read was number five of Gordan Korman's On The Run series - juvenile fiction - and if any of you have boys fifth grade and up, you totally need to get them these books!)

And somewhere in there I made dinner.

Now I should be sleeping, but for some reason my current state of anti-computer (don't ask, I have no idea why I'm feeling this way) decided to disappear for a moment, so I thought I'd blog. About nothing. But just to keep the entertainment factor out of the red, I thought I'd share a few bits from this other book I've been reading, called Don'ts for Husbands, Don'ts for Wives, 1913. Because there are definitely some things your husbands need to know. Such as:

"Don't stoop, even if your work is desk-work. Your wife wants to see you straight and broad-chested." (No doubt this also applies to the wives...up and out, ladies).

"Don't be too grave and solemn. Raise a bit of fun in the home now and then." Does anyone actually have this problem? I find my husband to be more like a large twelve year old most of the time...

"Don't sharpen pencils all over the house as you walk about. Try a hearth or waste-paper basket, or a newspaper. It does not improve either carpets or the servants' temper to find scraps of pencil-shavings all over the floors." Yes. My servants (and I'm sure yours) would hate this. Please pass this on.

"Don't be conceited about your good looks. It is more than probable that no one but yourself is aware of them; anyway, you are not responsible for them, and vanity in a man is ridiculous." Well. I guess I know a few men who are rather ridiculous - and have no idea. Would someone please tell them?

"Don't refuse to get up and investigate in the night if your wife hears an unusual noise, or fancies she smells fire or escaping gas. She will be afraid of shaming you by getting up herself, and will lie awake working herself into a fever. This may be illogical, but it's true." So we shouldn't shame them to get them to do what we want? Does this also mean no glaring and/or eye rolling? Good thing I have this book...

"Don't be surprised, or annoyed, or disappointed, to find, after treating your wife for years as a feather-brain, that you have made her one, and that she fails to rise to the occasion when you need her help." My condolences to any husband-made feather-brains out there. You should have glared more.

And now, one final quote (although I'm still in the first section {titled "Personal Relations"} and could really go on, and on, and on...)

"Don't forget that you are not immortal. What chance will she have if you die and leave her with no knowledge of the ways of the wicked world?" What can I say? If any of you love your husbands, you'll give them a swift kick in the shins next time you see them, followed by, "See - you felt that. You aren't immortal after all, so wear your seat belt."

Who needs counseling when they can run down and buy a book like this? And maybe next time I'll share some excerpts from the "Don'ts for Wives" section, and change your role as a wife forever. Lucky you.


LisAway said...

Sounds like a good day.

I love the excerpts. You HAVE to give us a little training on what WE'RE not supposed to do. I'm worried about all the things I've probably been doing wrong.

Anonymous said...

I think it was my kids that made me feather-brained.

And could I have the number for your babysitter? (Not that I need a babysitter, but a good house cleaner would be nice...)

Barbaloot said...

First off---I LOVE typershark. With all my heart. Except when I get to the really high levels I get totally freaked out and keyed up and almost die. And then the sharks eat me and I really do die. Best. Game. Ever.

Second---do you have tips on teaching beginning piano? I have taught before, but only students that already know the notes. I'm about to start teaching a beginner Yikes!

Third---I have a hilarious counterpart to the husband list you posted. I think I'm gonna have to email it to you.

Fourth---did you want me to write a novel in your comments? Cuz I'm pretty sure I just did.

Rachel said...

WHERE did you get that book!? That is so hilarious! Reminds me of something Beaver's dad needed to hear, that is hilarious!!!

Machen family said...

I need that book too, these nuggets of wisdom must be shared with the male species (I hate it when I hear a bump in the night and Shawn won't investigate and so I lay there wondering if I should go, but I don't want him to feel emasculated (spelling?) so instead I just cry myself to sleep) and I so wish that you were able to attend our Bachelor party. It's going to be a barrel of excitement!!

Jen said...

Since you are all in obvious need of this educational piece, I found the cute little red hardcover on the bargain table at Barnes and Noble when I was on my weekend vacay. If you're lucky, there may be some left.

Unless you live in Poland. Do they have Barnes and Noble?

Natalie said...

Wow! Times they are a changin'... Did this seriously not seem funny to them back then? It's hilarios now! Gosh, I wonder what my grandkids' generation is going to laugh about us for? Yikes!

nikkicrumpet said...

Holy cow that book is so funny...mostly because it wasn't supposed to be funny! You have to share some more of it. That totally cracked me up. And I'm so kicking my hubby when he comes home from work.....standing straight with a puffed up chest I'm sure!

Annie Valentine said...

I really should have bought that book.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said... is it that I have never heard of such a GREAT book to help me out in life? Tell me please!!! :)

Anjeny said...

I would like to get my hands on that book. And I will definitely remember to go kick my hubby in the shin to remind him of his mortality. LOL

Love this post..keep em coming.

Kelly said...

Too funny.

Claire said...

Obviously written by a bloke and typed up by a featherbrain of a wife... if he had one at all after compiling that load of nonsense... hahaha.

Still - made me laugh...:)

wenderful said...

Oh, I hope I haven't become a featherbrain without realizing it.

Haynsy said...

"Don't refuse to get up and investigate in the night if your wife hears an unusual noise, or fancies she smells fire or escaping gas."

Are we talking about the same thing? I thought all of these things were guys cutting a fart under covers.

Alison Wonderland said...

All of a sudden that's my favorite book. More please.