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Sunday, January 25, 2009

Sisters, I Have Sinned

We had a Relief Society sleep over this weekend. For those of you who don't know, the Relief Society is the women's group at our church. It was fun, and I enjoyed myself, but it was rather disconcerting to learn something critical about my personal salvation. I think I'm going to Hell. Maybe not "Outer Darkness" Hell, but definitely someone as shallow as me doesn't have much chance at Celestial Glory. This depressing revelation presented itself the moment I walked in the door - starved and ready to eat - and discovered soup was on the menu. Healthy soup, to be exact.

I looked for the chips and cheesy-bean dip we always have at our "unofficial" girl's nights - nothing. I looked for cookies, cake, brownies, or any other fattening, desserty type foods - again, nothing. I finally went as far as asking very nonchalantly if I should be "saving room for desert." The answer - THERE ISN'T ANY. I know. Whoever heard of a girls' night without dessert?! And then I learned the cold, hard, truth.

I was at a HEALTH FOOD sleep over. We were "eating light." And as my subconcious mind screamed "NOOOOOOOoooooo!!!!!!!" I was suddenly faced with the fact that what I've always suspected, but never truly admitted about myself is true - I was there for the food. I'd thought all day about the food, and even ran possible menu items through my head as I starved myself at lunchtime to justify the binging I was positive would happen at the sleep over. It was depressing.

And then, just as I'd hit a junk-food low at the prospect of having nothing but vegetable soup to quench my cravings, I realized the eternal perspective of my situation. Surely, anyone who attends a spiritual Relief Society retreat just for the food is going to Hell. All through dinner, there I was thinking about beanie weenies. The get-to-know-you game was witnessed through a sugar-crazed haze. Finally, during the big activity I broke down and asked if there wasn't some kind of chips in the house. I know, I'm totally shameless. But I was desperate! It was so bad I was almost ready to steal my mother's car and drive to the nearest Taco Bell. Instead I had to make due with those veggie rice chips from Costco. Yes, you read correctly, both "veggie" and "rice" came before "chips".

So sad.

And then came breakfast. I would tell you how it consisted of english muffins and fresh fruit (sans whipped cream OR sugar), but it would just be too painful to talk about it. Or how all the other women raved over the strawberries, grapes, and melons, while I sat dejected, trying to imagine there was sugar on my strawberry, while taking what comfort I could from my butter-drenched muffin.

I'm so ashamed. (And apparently, so shallow). But I want to proclaim to all of Blogland that as of this moment, I am going to repent of my obsession with fattening, sugary, deep fried snacks at Relief Society functions, and become more like all the rest of you. I too will be content with the fun games, good company, and barrels of laughter provided by my fellow sisters, and cease to allow health food to come between me and a good time.

And then I'll start planning a girls' night of my own...

31 comments:

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Yea, I am sure there is no way your were alone in your feelings. I always bring a bag of peanut m&ms to sleep overs to avoid such catashtrophes. Huge bummer. There should have been hot fudge brownies at the very least. You were right to feel cheated, my friend.

PS: good luck with your mom's surgery. I wonder is it any less painful when they wheel your mother away than it is when the wheel you child? I never managed to get to Seattle for any of my mom's surguries.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

I meant to say your child of course.

Haynsy said...

Jen,

You know that men would never have this kind of sleepover. If there's no bacon for breakfast then it is grounds for murder.

There is s blog for me in this subject. You might be my muse.

Jen said...

Haynsy - I knew it. I had to be somebody's muse!

lifeinthehighlands.com said...

For the record, a sleepover is not a sleepover without brownies. They could have added nuts. That would have made it more nutritious.

Claire said...

Everyone knows that RS is synonomous with food. They ought to re-evaluate their priorties. They mis-sold that night to you. It's called deciet. I judge the RS president. The shame be upon her.

Now I need brownies and all things sweet. It's only 9.30am.

Barbaloot said...

I'm sorry---but isn't 'Health Food Slumber Party' kind of an oxy mormon?
A lot of females, combined with games/visiting/no men is not complete without treats.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Also how is a RS slumber party supposed to comfort the weary and snd strengthen the weak, without sugar, chips, and chocolate. Inconceivable.

Annie Valentine said...

That's about the lamest thing I've ever heard in my life. I bet I could guess who was in charge...

And you're really funny when you want to be.

Jen said...

Thanks girls. It's so nice to know I'll have good company in Hell.

Natalie said...

Well, I'm guessing that between skipping lunch in anticipation and then having healthy stuff for the next couple of meals that your shower tape measure is giving you a happy number anyway... tell me it was worth it!

Laura said...

Jen, I'll come to the one you're planning! The Lord didn't mean for us to go without! He just says "moderation"! That means only 2 desserts instead of a whole table full. It could mean honey on your breakfast muffin instead of jam--but really, jam is fruit!

April said...

I'll see you in Hell! (Because I would have left and come back with contraband.) If they refused to let me leave then I would have feigned an illness to get to my precious fix of sugar. There's nothing worse than waking up to a room full of happy people and you have a sugar hangover! RUDE!!! :P

Jesicca said...

Honey, you don't know me but, I LOVE YOUR BLOG! You don't need to feel shallow or shameful... don't even allow yourself to repent of something that we all do. As a memeber of the LDS faith, we all look forward to the food, at a retreat to have only healthy foods is absurd. I believe that if it were to be advertised as such they would have had 2 sisters show up: the one putting it on and the one that felt obligated to be there. That's it! No more, no less, only two lonely women eating veggie soup. SICK! Bring on the enchiladas, brownies, chips, dips, soda, pancakes, bacon, need I go on? Bless your heart for enduring.

My Diary said...

A healthy sleep over? Who is running that Relief Society. Who ever heard of such a thing. Not me. I want to come to your girls night I will bring the real chips and Doritos and dip and all the yummy goodness that is food.

nikkicrumpet said...

LOL after this post...I officially love you. I am gonna need a room right next to you in hades!

Sandi said...

I will be joining you and April in Hell, it will be great fun!

That Girl in Brazil said...

If I had known it was a Health Food sleepover I WOULD NOT HAVE GONE.

We should get pretty tan in hell, right?

Grandma said...

That is just downright wicked and evil to have a sleep over with nothing, but diet food. Whoever designed it should be thrown out of office.

Machen family said...

Jen I don't know what's going on up there, but us Farr West ladies wouldn't stand for that. I so wish that you were down here in Utah then we could have our own sleepover, complete with cheesy 80's movies, a la "pretty in pink" and I would serve root beer (the fancy expensive kind) and eat symphony bars. Then we would slow dance to songs like "(I just) died in your arms tonight" or any Chicago song..then we would paint our toenails, play truth or dare, I would show you my kissing technics on my pillow, and last of all we would freeze my husbands underwear. Good times, good times.

Machen family said...

p.s. want to clear up any misunderstandings...I would show you how to make out with your pillow, not with me.

Melissa Bastow said...

It's too bad I wasn't there - I would have totally stolen your mom's car with you. You could have distracted her while I pulled the keys from her purse, and then we'd both "call to check on the kids away from the noise" (outside of the house.) And hopefully you have a big purse, because we would have had to smuggle the goods back in, you know. And I don't like purses. But I'm willing to wear really baggy cargo pants that have about 52 pockets for such events. Yeah....it's probably a good thing I'm not in your ward, I would make sure you were going to hell for sure.

Jen said...

Oh hilarious. And can I just nominate Machen as team leader of the next girls night? And thanks for pointing out the tan thing GIB, Hell's starting to look pretty good...

(And I must confess, for healthy soup, it was quite good - it just needed cheese bread and some good kind of crackers and dip - or maybe a chocolate fondue fountain? I mean you dip fruit in those, right? That's healthy...)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I love this post. You are so cute!

honeypiehorse said...

Well, of course church gatherings are all about the food! I mean think about it - if you were God would you rather eat a Dorito or a piece of raw broccoli???

R Max said...

A R/S sleepover? What kind of weird ward are you in?

My ward has recently attempted to go healthy with soup and salad at our functions. I know it's an effort to slim down the heifers but for me, it is not working.

Rachel said...

HAHAHA, that is so awesome and I'm totally coming to *your* sleepover because we are so alike! I would've been coming to "support" but secretly seeking out the chocolate!

Sue Q said...

OO, OO! Invite me! I would totally come for the food!

Alison Wonderland said...

Hey, save me a seat will ya? (In hell, that is.)

Oh, and at youe sleepover too, I'd totally go to yours!

Kristin said...

All I have to say is hell and health sound a lot the same and where is the relief in that society?

jane said...

what are beanie weenies?