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Thursday, January 29, 2009

The Body Snatcher...

Jen isn't here today. Unbeknownst to her family and friends, she has been secretly replaced by a raging hormonal maniac we'll call Nej.

Innocently, Jen's poor children accepted a ride home from school with this monstrous creature, thinking it was their loving mother. At first things seemed fine, but then they got out their homework - and then they didn't "get it." Convinced that the homework struggle was a ploy meant to drive her over the edge, Nej jumped down the poor children's throats and wasn't very helpful. Used to a kind, non-hormonal mother who is generally unaffected by the hateful cycle of the moon, the children stared, and cowered at this obvious impostor.

She was completely unmoved.

Then came piano practice. Although their own mother is known to speak rather loudly and repeat words like "COUNT!" and "FINGERING!" the cowering children were ill-prepared for the likes of Nej. Once again Nej was convinced the children were feigning memory loss, and quickly the Jen-impostor took Frustration and Impatience to a whole new level. As the children nervously stumbled through their lessons, the growling beast of pull-your-hair-out-and-try-not-to-beat-them swelled and threatened inside of Nej, begging and pleading to be set free.

Enter husband. JEN'S husband. Used to a loving, caring wife of limitless patience, he thought nothing of waltzing past the creature Nej as she labored at the piano with one of the conspiring children, and set right to fixing himself a bite to eat.

At 4:30.

Right before Nej would have started fixing dinner. I use the term "would have" because Nej didn't actually have ANY plans for dinner, and should have been glad the husband was fending for himself. But that is not Nej's way.

Instead Nej swooped into the kitchen, and descended on poor husband, accusing him of thoughtlessly stuffing his face within moments of dinner time. Statements like "But I've been working all day," and "I'm really hungry" only fanned the flames of Nej's irritation, until she had launched into a ten minute tirade on why eating at 4:30 was the most low-down, disrespectful, irritating thing a husband could do to his poor, abused, over-worked wife.

Husband slinked away (sandwich in hand) and escaped to the gym before another lecture could begin. Unfortunately, this left Nej with the children. Alone. With an hour and a half to kill before they were to depart to a Cub Scout meeting. Nej spent the time sitting on the couch eyeing the children suspiciously - waiting for them to make a wrong move so she could pounce. At one time, all three of the poor, poor, boys were standing in corners simultaneously.

There's no telling how this story might have ended if it hadn't been for the highly developed olfactory senses of Nej-like creatures. Knowing a CS meeting just might push her over the edge, Nej was explaining to the Den Leader that she'd prefer to "watch the children" when she caught a whiff of something on the Den Leader's breath. Chocolate. Practically attacking Jen's poor unsuspecting friend, she secured the necessary information - the visiting speaker had brought Peanut M&M's. And Reese's Pieces.

Within a few minutes, a handful of the chocolate remedy was shamelessly secured. Three handfuls later, the beast Nej was soothed, and becoming almost Jen-like. By the time the meeting was over Nej was feeling almost relaxed. Another handful of M&M's, plus the remains of the Reese's Pieces, and the husband and children began to breath easier, with hopes of living until their patient mother's safe return.

When this blessed, and much looked for event will take place, no one knows, but for the sake of the children (and husband) I hope it's sooner rather than later. And in the meantime - let's keep the chocolate coming.

24 comments:

LisAway said...

This so perfectly describes me at my worst (minus the piano and cub scouts). Isn't it awful? Be glad it doesn't hit you every month.

The worst part for me is that you feel that way and the whole time you have this guilt for what a terrible person you're being but you CAN'T stop yourself! My family know that there are certain days that they should just try to avoid all contact with me.

honeypiehorse said...

You poor thing, I totally relate. It happens to all of us and I think if a child ever actually grew up without the mom completely losing it at least once the world would stop spinning on its axis.

Sue Q said...

Oh, honey -- I feel all kinds of sadness for you. See, this is the part of life that never got explained to me as part of the plan of salvation. I guess indirectly it applies, but WHY?? Why why why why why why don't our husbands fix dinner for the WHOLE family during that time of the month? And today I realized (after inhaling half a bag of Hershey's kisses) the enormity of going an entire year (365 days, including those once-a-month days) without chocolate.

I can't believe I didn't shoot myself after two weeks. Wow.

But this is about you, not me. Breathe deeply, my friend. Take a nap. Drug your children if you have to so you can sleep. Drug yourself. Think happy thoughts.

lifeinthehighlands.com said...

It's a good thing chocolate fixes everything--pms, dementor attacks, and bad hair days.

If the government realized the power (and healing properties) of peanut m&m's, they'd put them behind the pharmacy counter and make you get a prescription for them.

Barbaloot said...

Yikes. Just reading that post I was frightened that the monster Nej would crawl through my screen and berate me for not making my bed today.

Machen family said...

oh my Nej comes out in full force all the time, but they just call me Satan

Machen family said...

p.s. Satan would like to invite you to her blog at http://menohatebloganymore.blogspot.com

Kelly said...

Geez, this is what my kids get every day! I've tried to tame the beast with chocolate and although that appeases the beast, I come back to life more irritated that now the fat-battle will never be won. It is a vicious cycle. My kids probably never know which mom to expect because the nice one is there, but suddenly for no known reason the beast pounces. This is why I should not have more kids. I feel sorry for them.

Natalie said...

Too funny! Welcome to my hormonal roller coaster! ;-)

April said...

This is why Lirpa has a stash of Twix on hand at all times! And Lirpa doesn't even have her commas and elipses any more!!!

Claire said...

I flippin' love chocolate.

Claire said...

I flippin' love chocolate.

nikkicrumpet said...

HEHEHE there aren't too many savage beasts that can't be tamed with chocolate. I think your family might want to buy stock in Hershey's lol. Great post....and I'm backing out of the room...never taking my eyes off the frightful Nej..

Denys said...

I had a similar type beast escape myself tonight, only to be calmed by having my two year old fetch me a blanket, so I could nap for 15 minutes on the lazy-boy, right before I put them to bed. How horrible am I.
PS Good job for giving your boys piano lessons!

Anderson Party said...

Doppelganger....I believe Nej may be yours!

Interesting....bery bery intersting!

Mine usually fills my head with evil pranks....sometimes I just have to laugh which really freaks the family out.... you know evil laughter and all!
OOOOO! haa haa haa!

R Max said...

I wish chocolate did that for me. Unfortunately, the beast doesn't subside until I've had a two hour uninterrupted bath, complete with fizzy balls and a good book.

Kristin said...

Nej sound awesome, like scandinavian ninja. Hope you have a cool costume to wear too. Something with numbchucks or death stars would get great results from the kids.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh, this is hysterical. You go, girl. Nej has kidnapped me so many times too. Except her hame is hsarc.

NeJ rolls off the tounge better.

You are so dang funny! LY

Robyn said...

I think we all can relate. Have you tried Haagen Daz Mango Sorbet? It is my reliever as well as chocolate when the mommy monster is coming out of me.

Alison Wonderland said...

Oh Nej, I love you. That Jen gal's ok too.

Rachel said...

HAHAHA, this is totally me but I'm replaced with hcar...and she's a real beast!! You crack me up!

My Diary said...

PMS kidnaps nice me too and out comes evil me. My kids actually think it is funny when I act like a raving lunatic. So does my husband they usually convince me to take a nap or go shopping a lone.

jane said...

omgosh, so funny!

Melissa Bastow said...

You're awsome!

I wish my name sounded cool backwards - instead it just swears (a fact that all second graders HAD to point out during a creative writing assignment one day...and I've never forgotten.)