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Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Fat-Around-The-Middle

So, I'm a fat-around-the-middle girl. This classification has no bearing on how much fat I have, it simply refers to where my fat likes to accumulate. I have spent almost two decades trying to decide if I am grateful for this fact, or if I hate it.

First let me explain what it means to be a fat-around-the-middle-girl (aka FATMG). It means I have skinny legs. And no hips. And a little butt. I have friends who try to tell me that I don't have a butt, but I do. It's just not very big. Meaning, it really could stand to be bigger. This is one of the downsides of being a FATMG. Another downside is never having that elusive flat stomach the fat-around-the-hips/butt/thighs (FATHBTG's) ALWAYS have. Or their tiny little waists, or their nice shapely/thin-at-the-top arms.

It also means that 90% of the time I must wear a belt. This is because there is not enough in the hips/buttage area to hold up my pants. Ever try to belt something around a phone pole? Yep, that's me. I rarely have to button or unbutton any of my pants. Undo the belt, wriggle and pull, and they slide right down. (Let's not even talk about the falling-off joke that is maternity pants). The most unfortunate part of this arrangement is that in order to be effective, the belt has to be pretty snug, showcasing the "fat around the middle" by squishing it out over the tops of my jeans.

There are other small irritations, like always having to pull the front of my pants up over my eternal "tummy roll" when I sit down to keep it under control. Holding a pillow/book/purse/anything strategically in front of said roll is equally effective.

Then there's the weight gain vs size issue. I have several friends who fall into the very desirable fat-all-over-girl (FAOG) category. These lucky girls gain their weight everywhere, which gives them so much leeway. I always hear them saying things like, "I gained ten pounds last month." Yet when you look at them, you can hardly tell. Someone once told me to compare a pound of fat to a pound of butter. Every time you gain a pound of fat, it's like taking that pound of butter and spreading it on your body. Can you imagine what it's like for us FATMG's to put ten pounds in one spot? Five pounds (depending on the current weight zone) can grow FATMG's right out of their clothes. This is depressing.

There is, however, an upside.

1. Jackets hide a multitude of sins.

2. When pregnant, our butts don't get bigger.

3. When all else fails, there are those skinny legs.

4. When five pounds means growing out of your clothes, you can't ignore the issue. Let's just say it keeps you on your toes.

But I still think you FAOG's have it made.

So here's to all you FATMG's, FATHBTG's, and even you FAOG's. Hope I didn't miss anyone:)

17 comments:

Marivic_Little GrumpyAngel said...

You are seriously funny!!!! Excellent self-deprecating humor. I love it. I think I might be a FAOG.

Kristin said...

I prefer muffin top to describe my middle. The worst part of this FATMG is you might gain the weight first in the middle, but it is the last place to lose it too. I am more likely to lose weight on my ankles, bottom -what little is left, or even drop a bra size before the newest 5 lbs on my muffin top shrink. Your post would've been funny except I'm now crying and thinking I should eat some salami, but I hate salami, so all I can think about is muffins. But I did laugh, for a while.

By the way did I mention I'm not seeing your middle fat? you must be either sneaky or lying, you slender thing.

Kellie Buckner said...

Me too. So sad. I hate maternity pants for that reason.

by AnnieValentine said...

Let's set the record straight. As your sister, I would KILL for your butt. Mine is even flatter and straighter. At least you didn't go through life being told that "You have a nice wedge shape". You are a phone pole but I'm a wedge. Which would you prefer, really?

*MARY* said...

You're comparing yourself to a telephone pole AND calling yourself FAT? Am I the only one who thought this comparison was only made for skinny people?
I demand proof! PICTURES! Who's with me?!

Melissa Bastow said...

What category would the "always looks pregnant so people never know if they should ask" girls fall into?

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Wow...right there with you! I hope I don't ruin your day...but apparently the fat around the middle is the hardest fat to get rid of! It's sad and true!

I also own a lot of zip up hoodies! :)

Jen said...

Mary, remember, being a FATMG is no reflection of HOW MUCH fat you have - just where it likes to collect:)

Kelly said...

Okay, I have to disagree! I know we all hate what we have, but let me throw this at ya- I am a FAOG. Yes, I don't know if you'll agree with this, but let's face it. I haven't ever been fat enough to know what really happens when I get fat-until 2 years ago.

So this is what happens to FAOG's...they get FAT ALL OVER! This means from shoulders to knees-yes I still keep a relatively thin face and ankles and wrists...lovely things to showcase, what shall I wear-a mu-mu (?).

Most essentially it means I have no place as a 'go-to' body part to showcase...until I am skinny. Then it really doesn't matter. FAOG's stink! You look great anyway so no complaining.

Stephanie said...

So are you going to follow in your little sister's steps and be a columnist as well? And I've been meaning to call you because every time I make and apple pie (and I make them a lot since we have apples in abundance around here), I cannot help but think of you. And then that gets me thinking of Sharisse (Serving with Smiles) :) haaaaaa haaaa! And a plethora of other memories. I know, I'm amazing...

Stephanie said...

Okay, I just read Annie's comment and I laughed out loud while reading it. You girls are so freeeeaaking funny!

Kimberly said...

I'm one of those FAOG's. And I'm properly grateful for how much easier it makes clothes shopping. Being tall is nice too. When I admit to people that I'm 50 pounds overweight they're usually surprised and that's oh so gratifying.

Lisa said...

Skinny legs are a real plus. My thighs never get fat, so as long as I'm wearing a jacket or something, people might totally think I'm thin. Love that!

sue q said...

Can I just cry right now? I never thought that being a FAOG was a good thing. Except for the fact that I'm a TFAOG -- Tall Fat All Over Girl -- and I seem to stretch the fat every direction so, as you say, it's hard to tell when I put on a few slabs of butter.

I can't believe I'm getting this personal with you. I agree with Mary. I need some validation.

Jen said...

Sue & Mary - I really will post a pic of myself. Someday. My current computer is about to die, and it can't handle any photos. My sister Annie has been supposed to put one on for me, but obviously hasn't got around to it.

Your validation may have to wait awhile...SORRY!!

Carol said...

It is so healthy to be able to laugh at yourself.

I do it all the time!!!

Laura said...

As a sister to the author, and having inherited a similar physique, I must agree with most of the FATMG points. I did get lucky,and managed to get hips, though, even if I don't have much of a butt. However, being a FATMG is much harder when your torso is so short that there are only 2 1/2 inches between your bottom rib and hip bones (Which are buried in there somewhere). This means that every lovely pound of butter has much less of an area to accumulate! Still, looking on the bright side, it makes my legs look so much longer! :)