There was an error in this gadget

Monday, April 13, 2009

Desperate Moments Call For Desperate Measures

I've had it. Enough is enough. My new motto is just say no - to chocolate/birthday-cake/pie/chips/and everything else I've been eating with reckless abandon. And to prove how serious I actually am, I would like to make an announcement:

I HAVE STARTED EXERCISING.

As in this morning. And it's for real this time, too - as opposed to all those other times I've threatened to begin a workout regimen, only to give it up after a week or two. You may doubt me, you may wonder why I think this time will be any different from the last several attempts, but I can assure you it is. I know. I can feel it.

Does this ever happen to anyone else? You go along stuffing your face, laying around, taking a long bath, sleeping in, reading a book, or blogging with those few precious moments of personal time you get everyday. Meanwhile, you feel your muscles atrophying, your clothes get a little tighter, and you move from your cute, I-can-wear-everything-in-my-closet wardrobe, to the irritating, and much more limited I-can-only-wear-these-few-items-strategically-put-together-in-certain-ways-to-hide-the-fat-around-the-middle-that's-been-accumulating-since-Christmas wardrobe.

It's so irritating.

And if those of you who know me are tempted to leave a comment saying how I don't look any different to you, you're forgetting one important detail:

I'M ONLY WEARING A FEW ITEMS STRATEGICALLY PUT TOGETHER TO HIDE THE EXCESS FAT AROUND THE MIDDLE THAT HAS BEEN ACCUMULATING SINCE CHRISTMAS!!!!

And you want to hear the sad part? A couple more pounds and I won't be able to hide it. My secret will be out, everyone will know.

So, back to how I know this time is different. Once I go through all of the above, (and once I realize just how close swimsuit season actually is), I start having thoughts. These thoughts remind me of the time in fourth grade when my friend Miriam and jumped on my bed while eating out of a box of Grapenuts. Have you ever had Grapenuts in your bed? It's very uncomfortable. Like my thoughts. Thoughts like, "So what if I never do get back into those clothes?" and "If I never work out ever again, will I still be able to make it up the stairs when I'm fifty?" and "Just how far down my leg can my buttocks fall?"

These thoughts make me feel squirmy. They bother me. Apparently, they drive me straight toward the drawer where I keep my amazing library of workout tapes. (And yes, I said tapes. As in VHS. There are several DVD's in there as well, but somehow in my moments of desperation it always goes back to the tapes).

At first, I only think about it. I start thinking about how good it actually feels to have leg muscles. And about how nice it would be to get my backside back up where it belongs.

Then I start thinking about how I really don't like the answers to any of those Grape-nuts-in-the-bed questions, and I take a few pathetic stabs at working out. You know, the ones where you aren't really working out, but you kind of hope it will be enough anyway? But it isn't, so it doesn't work, and you give up a week or two later feeling discouraged?

Then something like Easter comes around, and I'm slapped in the face by my complete and total lack of control. Seriously. It didn't help that L and N both had birthday parties, and after L's I sat down and ate an entire bag of Doritos. And that was after the cake, the pizza, and the bowl of BBQ potato chips. I can't even talk about Easter - or that bag of Reese's PBCups I bought for "the kids".

And so it's begun. The official I'm-excited-to-work-out-and-feel-immediately-panicky-if-I-don't feeling has arrived. And it comes with an important little perk I always forget about - I'm just lazy enough that I can't stand to eat junk after sweating and suffering along with some over-zealous work out Diva.

I ACTUALLY PASSED UP M'S FORGOTTEN CHOCOLATE EASTER BUNNY THIS MORNING! THIS IS HUGE!

And so I'm off. I'm back in control, I'm exercising, and I'm headed back to all those cute clothes hanging in my closet. Okay, I lied. I have no closet. Most of these clothes are strategically "draped" around my room. Sad, isn't it? But I'll be wearing them, and that's the important part.

24 comments:

The Kooky Queen--Rachel said...

I could've written this post as my own!!!!!!!!!!!! So funny, I feel exactly the same way!! :)

Kelly said...

Bummer about the tight clothes. Mine are getting tighter too, but I don't kid myself too much. I don't really think its the baby, the spare tire around my middle is flabbier than it's ever been before. And I didn't even indulge in Easter candy! ARRRGGHHH. Now the morning sickness is gone, I have promised myself a 6:am wake up call and a date with The Firm. Hope yours goes well too.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh I'm with kooky Queen. I know exactly how you feel, minus the grape nuts in bed, but even that I can imagine.

So right on, girl!!!!!!

I'm in exactly the same boat right this very minute. I stuffed my face with Jelly beans all weekend.

So much so that I arose at 5am this morning and went jogging for 10 minutes. That's all I could do with my legs crammed full of jelly beans.

Annie Valentine said...

I started my diet seven times yesterday. Death to the bunnies.

(Does it surprise you that I just finished writing up this exact same thing?)

McFarland Family said...

More power to ya! You can do it. Just remember that you want to.

Barbaloot said...

The thing is---Easter candy (the best kind) only comes around once a year. You HAVE to indulge. But now it's over. I'm back on track with you!!

And I have my eye on the cute pink skirt I've been wanting to wear for awhile.

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

It's just not right of you to steal pieces out of people's journals and then post them up on your blog like that. You're like papparazzi or something, spilling the gory details of my life. (But it was clever how you pretended it was you.)

Natalie said...

You crack me up. I, too, have felt the panick & it is morphing into semi-motivation. Oddly, I found a small blessing in the fact that all of the Easter candy I bought was milk chocolate and the over sweetness actually grossed me out. I'm a dark chocolate girl all the way and the kids hate that stuff.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Hey...I'm like a YO-YO when it comes to exercising! I love it, then hate it, then love it again. But I'm one of those girls that will ALWAYS have to work out...and hope my bum doesn't fall below my knees!!! :)

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Hey...I'm like a YO-YO when it comes to exercising! I love it, then hate it, then love it again. But I'm one of those girls that will ALWAYS have to work out...and hope my bum doesn't fall below my knees!!! :)

Machen family said...

Yeah!! I'm with you sista' (even though I have quite a few more pounds packed on) THIS IS OUR MOMENT!! Noone will take this away from us, not Hershey, Nestle, Nutella, Ghiredhelli chocolate chips, Ben and Jerry's, etc... We can conquer!

Boy Mom said...

Love it! Good luck! Maybe chasing sixth graders.

Kristin said...

Hurrah! I'm so excited, really! Not because I think you need to change anything but this means you will have some great stories about jogging, yoga, etc. hehe - be sure to share. Maybe you should try a new sport like belly dancing, I'd love to hear about that.

jane said...

good luck, good luck, good luck! you can totally do this and stick to it! I actually must excerise almost everyday in order to not beat my children and verbally abuse my husband, it keeps all the cob-webs out of my head. Not sure why, but it does.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Best wishes to you. So funny about your bum falling too low.

I might try to decide to exercise sometime, myself.

Shelley said...

Good for you! Really. And this is coming from the woman who is sick and tired of everyone everywhere talking about weight loss, and diets, and calorie counting, and keeping track of points, etc. etc.
Cause somewhere down deep inside of me...and I'm sorry to say, REALLY deep underneath a layer of fat....I know how important it all is. So I'm here cheering you on.

Sue Q said...

Oh, oh, oh, I have the perfect inspiration for you! Remember that "surprise" I was going to send you? Well, it's finished now and I'm packing it up and sending it off first thing tomorrow morning. It's going to blow your mind and flip your lid (and hopefully help you shed those unwanted pounds and keep up with your frenetic lifestyle).

What IS this magic thing, may you ask? I'm not going to tell you! Just wait, and all will be revealed....

H.K. said...

I'm always on and off about exercising. But, when I'm exercising consistently, I also tend to eat better too.

So, happy exercising and pretty soon you'll notice that you need a whole new wardrobe!

Jen said...

Sue - Dying of curiosity over here...

WHAT COULD IT BEEEEE?!?!?!?!!!!!!!

Stephanie said...

This post was a huge eye-opener to me. I workout pretty regularly, but not enough to make me breathless...I lift a little, but not until it hurts...and I eat all the same crap you have been eating. I've been trying to do better. I recently found starburst jellybeans that are a little better for me than reses cups, but I really want to fit into all of my clothes again, not just a few.

wenderful said...

Death to the leftover Easter candy. Just as soon as I finish it off.

Could that tape possibly be Callenetics? Annie introduced me to it. Haven't found a deal on it yet but it looks just old school enough to work. :)

nikkicrumpet said...

Good luck on your endeavor. I've given up the fight and decided to just shake hands and be friends with my flab!

Jen said...

Wenderful - Love the Callanetics! I'd take them over pilates ANY day. I think I own at least four different tapes - but when I'm serious about actual fat loss, it's all about The FIRM baby!

R Max said...

I am exercising too. Or at least I will when my exercise buddy gets her leg out of a cast. And when I get an alarm clock so I can wake up early. And when I buy some elastic walking pants that fit. And when I get one of those heart rate monitors. And when I get some decent walking shoes.

Then I'll exercise.